Present or Future?

Yet again a phase of life filled with anxiety, confusion, fear and hope. Of these, as long as hope tops the emotions, it will be good. Should I be prepared to face anything? I guess my preparation is not to face anything, but to strive to keep hopes at the top of the list. Meandering thoughts? No. For a change, it is state of structured, organized and neatly piled up thoughts following a tree model. Binary choice at every node. Binary options at every branch. So it is not exactly a problem of plenty and in a way I should be thankful for that.

Questions rule life

The shades of grey that seem to creep in through these structured thoughts create anxiety and fear. What if? What if not? How should I? Why should I? Questions seem to unfold at every node of the tree structure. The wait is killing. The pain is greater due to the uncertainty rather than any misfortunes. The urge for clarity, the urge to see the bigger picture, the urge to cut through the present to have a look at the future - these are enough to lose sleep. Not exactly sleeplessness, but you get my point, don't you?

If Vairamutthu can give me any solace at the moment, it must be through these lines. 

ஒரு விதைக்குள்ளே அடைபட்ட ஆலமரம் கண் விழிக்கும் 

அது வரை பொறு மனமே !

(Oh heart, wait till the banyan tree that is hidden inside a seed begins to germinate)

Krishna summarizes the feeling beautifully and also gives a solution in Mahabharatham. Here is the link (Tamil).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkcPrFXPhJA

How tough it is to follow! It is time to focus on the present. Hope the present presents a contented future.

Happy New Year!

This blog is almost reborn every new year's day, this year being no exception. Wish you all a very happy new year. Reminiscing 2013, it was a dream-come-true year. My dream got fulfilled and I inched steps closer to my ambition, the process of which I am currently in. I made my parents happy, and that's what counts more than anything else.

2013 also saw a new bunch of friends, a new place, a new lifestyle, and a very new everything. I easily settled down to the changes, thanks to the people around me. I understood what I am good at, and more specifically, what I am terrible at! It was a year of revelation of sorts. I got a very good exposure, a great learning platform ( how much I made use of it is a different story altogether), and a sense of satisfaction. 

I made quite a lot of mistakes - personally and professionally. Some of them cost me dearly and still give me nightmares. Life is all about crossing these and getting over them, isn't it? How else can one grow? These were the times that taught me life's lessons - I learnt it pretty hard. The most hard-hitting lesson was to prioritize. That would have made all the difference. With a fabulous first half and a not-so-good second, 2013 was way better than the previous years. A year of changes that was!

                               

2014 is going to be a year of prayers. This is a very important year in terms of both personal and professional life and I am eager to see what life has in store for me. I most certainly believe in the power of prayers. As I always say, I will try my best to not repeat the mistakes of 2013. I am sorry, I have no strength to commit them all once again, more so, to relearn the bitter lessons. Hence, I would rather call it a year of prayers, to give me the vision to avoid mistakes.

I have a hunch that 2014 is going to be the reverse. A not-so-bad first half and a fabulous second. I am here set to make the not-so-bad into a not-so-great (Mind you, there is a difference!). It all starts well - plans, schedules and wishes. It is when they end in regrets, repercussions and repentance, one understands life's melancholy. Life laughs at me and I sigh. See, this is what 2013 has done to me - digress and get disillusioned. 

If only the past does not haunt and has absolutely no effect on our futures, can we hope for something better. Hoping against hope is what the new year has started with, and I wish, if my hunch proves right, the first half is at least manageable - and oh! definitely better than the last few months please. Pretty please?

Bharathi comes to my rescue  usual. 

" விசையுறு பந்தினைப் போல் - உள்ளம் 

  வேண்டிய படி செல்லும் உடல் கேட்டேன் "
(Just like how a ball gets attracted by gravity, I ask for a body that goes in the direction of my heart)

What else can we expect from the human mind?

My longest ever new year post ends with a wonderful song, which I wish I can heartily sing at the end of 2014 - the year of prayers.

                  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4eN1nrohkE

Happy New Year everyone! Here is to more blogging hopefully. After all, it is much more than a CV point!

Happy and fresh new year!

I remember the last new year wish post . I realise that i have done some of what were mentioned there. Not a bad check list,I can say. There was more than just a strengthening of my constant belief that life, is the greatest teacher.I learnt a lot.

It was eventful, in a way. there was so much of time,

To love, to smile, to wonder

To live,to cry, to laugh

To observe, to think, to understand

To fight,to misunderstand,to hate

To forget,to repent,to forgive

To mistake,to realize, to correct

To suffer,to learn,to ponder

To feel,to know,to learn

Aren't these what life is all about? I went through all these and more. That's why i look forward to this year with a lot of faith.

There is an air of deep hope,a constant change, and a silent promise around me.

I wish i keep them up and going.

Happy New year to all !

A Matter of Time

It has just begun. It is beautiful. It is unusually different.It is exciting. It feels special. It is nice. It is sweet.It is happiness. It is lovely. It brings a smile. It will not change.It is just that!

It gives fear. It instills responsibility. It demands enormous patience. It is time-bound.It necessitates thinking. It needs level-headed approach. It is not confirmed. It is not assurance. It should not change. It is an idea.It is a chance, a probability,in turn, a possibility. It is a wait. It is a penance, of sorts. It is a test. It is life!

So now, it is all a matter of time. Patience.

Questions

Why do I feel thus? Am I restless? How long am I going to keep grumbling? How will I ever convince myself that I’ll regret about it in the future, if I don’t stop feeling now? When will I get the guts to spurt it out? If at all I get, will that make a difference? When will I ask? How will I ask? Why should I ask, when I know the answer? I can surely keep from asking, but will that solve the problem?

What should I do? Can I divert myself by calling it an unimportant thought for the time-being? Then what’s the permanent solution? If getting rid of, is the only solution, is it possible? If not, why do I care about it? Don’t I realize that it’s silly to ask for the solution when I know it? Or, is the question now, will I be able to accept the solution? If I won’t be, do I have a choice?

Can I ever forgive? Or at least forget? Isn’t forgetting impossible? When will peace be restored? How many more sleepless nights should I have to contribute to this trouble? How long will I take to come out of it? Do I really want to come out at all? Will I feel normal, if not good, when I come out of it? How can i take it easy?

Does time know that mine is an exception to the general rule that it can heal everything? Do you think I’m exaggerating? Will you trust me if I say no? Why should I explain to you? If these form just a part of the long list of questions that I have in mind, can you believe it? Even if you do, Can u understand? Can anyone say something other than “chuck it”? am I kidding myself?

Can everyone understand that I’m not cribbing about some love-failure? If not, may I ask, Can love fail?

When will I realize I have a life to live? What is life without living? Still, what is life without an answer to these questions?

Sigh.

Lost

How should life be? normal. Twists and turns occasionally, surprises and shocks at times.acceptable. But why should these be the order of the day? Heaving a sigh of relief seems to be of the past.Perception differs. We differ from each other. That is one reason why we don't agree to disagree and leave things at that.

You can't hurry up throughout the present. You will end up stopping at a point breathlessly,turn around to see,that you have missed lots. What's the point in being close,or being distant,or the very essence "being" when you are not satisfied,leave alone being happy? And still, would you call it a life?

Trust me,a day will dawn when you will wake up to find life is no longer the same you thought it will be.How long will you take to realise, that some day I will leave you once and forever, and there will be no use repenting for the time lost? Apologising has meaning only when you believe in it. Sorry,u say. Sorry, i say. but how much sorry are we, for anything?

Little Sindhuja is all growing up. I think, I feel, I realise,I learn, I live..or at least, want to.

The game

I have been a part of the game, right from its start. I have been a spectator and a player. I have had foul plays, I’ve won too. Now it hurts when I don’t know whether I’m winning or losing.

I better get out of the game. I don’t even want to be a spectator. I don’t fear loss, I fear the fear itself. Insecurity laughs at me for being so ignorant to have missed its silent entry into the game, when I was busy playing. It’s a tough fight. I know. I don’t call it quits, I say it’s enough.

I’m misled by the false hopes that life gives in plenty. The impeccable moments of natural happiness bound by conditions, fade away sooner than expected.

Am I getting disheartened? I ask, is there anymore to heart, that can be undone?

getting reminded of THIS POST.

Deep thoughts

I'm growing everyday.Not physically(which i will love to,as in height) but mentally.I'm learning new things everyday. How cruel and blessed life can be,at the same time. It's often these cruelties of life that shower the blessings too. The lesson that life teaches,even without your knowledge,through your own actions, is unbelievably beautiful. The beauty lies in the fact that,most of us don't even realise it's a lesson.

Not all things are bright and beautiful at all times.The sweetest can be the most venomous and the most poisonous can sometimes,unknowingly,be the most luscious.

You need the lessons.They help you think out of the box.You grow tremendously in your thoughts and actions.You become matured,unprejudiced,and bold.They condition your mind,rationalise your thinking,and boost up the latent spirits that might have been soporific till then.The toughest lessons learnt early in life can pave way for the bountiful future ahead.Learn.Grow up.A little soul-searching can do good.

Love unconditionally.Think deeply.Live passionately.Be generous and give your fullest to life. It will treat you equally well.

Sounding weird to those who don't know me has become a habit nowadays.No apologies.

உறக்கம்

முழங்காலிட்டு
கட்டியணைத்து
முகம் புதைத்தேன்
அடங்கவில்லை கண்ணீர்
ஆறவில்லை வடு

இதழ் விரித்து
சிரிக்க முயன்றேன்
மனம் செய்தது
ஒத்துழையாமை இயக்கம்
உடல் ஆனது
உதிரமில்லா மரம்

நடுசாமம் ஆனதில் அறிந்தேன்,
பறிபோனது முன்னிரவுத் தூக்கம் .

அழுத கண்கள்
நனைந்த தலையணை
சிறகுடைந்த சிந்தனை
அலைமோதும் எண்ணங்கள்.
இவற்றுடன் கழிந்தது,
எப்போது அயர்ந்தேன்
என்றறியாத
என் பின்னிரவுத் தூக்கம் .

இதுவல்ல
நான் விரும்பும் உறக்கம்!

Top 10

10 things I want to tell people(names withheld)

1.I'm REALLY SORRY. I feel sorry for what i have been and done. I know it hurts.It pains. It kills. It's devastating.I can only say, I'm sorry. But I REALLY am!

2.Thanks for being better to me.Not just good.better.I know there are some serious talks that are pending between us. I'm not sure how unfriendly and uncomfortable they are going to be. But you deserve them for your nice attitude towards me. Thank u.

3.I wish I had been your sibling,or a close friend or at least associated with you like now,much more earlier in life. The kind of sense that you unknowingly put into my head(which is overflowing with dumbness) is immeasurable. You make me think a lot. Wish you hadn't been this far,physically and emotionally.

4. One and a half years WILL make a difference. It's too short a period of time for people to forget and forgive.You and I may. But they won't and they can't. 1.5 yrs is also too long a period,to remain cut-off,and then start from where you left,and pull on even if you had been the best of pals.Nothing more to say.

5.I'm pleased to have even known you. I never knew life will make us this close that I become your trusted pal to share even the most personal of your problems.I've no solutions,but believe me,I'm there for you,to listen Anytime,any day.Currently busy with my own problems,the crux of which,you know.

6.I miss you lots.You are my best friend.No doubts. I'm ashamed to tell you that you have been missing so much of what's happening in my life,easily because I'm not in a state to speak about anything. I'm begging for an appropriate time,to have a heart-felt talk with you.

7.I Love you. Please don't ever make me feel guilty about it.

8.I'm grateful to you. There had been times(or even now? ) when I was on the verge of being jealous on you. You simply came in and helped me when i was clueless and helpless.You were the saviour one time.We are not close,i know we won't have a chance to be so. Still,thanks.

9.There is nothing called life's greatest mistake. Life is resilient.

10.You are the reason for everything,undoubtedly. Thanks for making me do irrational actions, at the most inappropriate time,to the most inappropriate people. I learnt a lesson.


one of these is something i have told myself.Guess.

சுவடுகள்

கனவினைக் கண்டான் ஒருவன் ஓரிரவில்
கடவுளுடன் கடற்கரையில் காலாற நடப்பதாக
கனவினைக் கண்டான் ஒருவன் ஓரிரவில் !

வானிலே கண்டான் தன் வாழ்வின் காட்சிகளை
இரு ஜோடி காலடிச்சுவடுகள் கண்டான் மண்மீதினில்
ஒன்று அவனது மற்றொன்று இறைவனது !
வாழ்வின் பல நேரங்களில் அவன் கண்டான்
ஒரு ஜோடிச் சுவடுகள் மட்டும் .
அது போன்ற நேரங்களே
தாழ்மையுற்று வருந்தியவை
என்றவன் அறிந்தான் !

இறைஞ்சினான் இறைவனிடம்
"இறையே ! நான் உம்மைத் தொடர்ந்தால்
நீர் என்னுடன் உலா வருவீர் என்று விளம்பினீர்.
சோதனைக் காலத்தில்
ஒரு ஜோடிச் சுவடுகள் மட்டுமே இருந்தன !

தங்களின் அண்மையை நாடிய நேரங்களில்
எம்மை விட்டு அகன்றீரே !"

இறைவன் இயம்பினான் -

"என்னருமைக் குழந்தாய் !
யாம் உன் மேல் கொண்ட அன்பினை
நீ அறிய மாட்டாய்.

துன்பத்தின் உச்சியில்
ஒரு ஜோடிச் சுவடுகள் கண்டாயே !
அன்றெல்லாம் நான் உன்னை
ஏந்தி இருந்தேன் !!"

A Fairy-Search

I'm searching.

Where is the girl?

...The girl who used to be a singer,an instrumentalist,a writer,a poet, an academically brilliant kid,an intensive learner,an extensive orator,a dramatist,a leader,a follower, a programmer, an active club member,an ever-busy young girl, a voracious reader, a scholarship winner, an All India Rank-holder....


.....A teachers' pet, a fun-lover,a most-sought-after-friend,a popular one everywhere, a competitor to many....

... A go-getter, a pious youth,a winner, a self-confident decisive darling, an optimist, a worker with a killer's instincts,a sincere unfaltering determined gal....

work was her worship. victory was her joy. success was her routine.

where is she?

alive?
A person of the past?
Can she be re-born?
Dormant?
Lost?

I'm searching.

Black Or White

There are times when we all want either a yes or a no,either do or don't,or as i put it now, either Black or white. life is not just about black and white but it's got huge shades of Grey in between. The Grey that confuses,that makes us land up in a dilemma, that just hinders our progress further. The hues of Grey are not always welcome.

The Grey gives a feeling of insecurity. It makes me nervous, frustrates me, and sometimes makes me indecisive. I don't complain about its existence but about its intrusion in my life. Generally I'm very clear about my choices and probably that's why i hate the Grey. It helps us sometimes by giving us the gestation period, to think. But that can't extend for a long time. a decisive Black or white is needed. Of course, there are temporary joys in the Grey. that's the result of false hope. A hope that we give ourselves, that some day, we'll end up with the good. perennial happiness gives much more satisfaction, doesn't it? Now, that's not Grey.


Neither does Black symbolize a bad choice nor does white a good one. But surely, both are better than the Grey. If you ask me if i have the mind set to take in the black or white as it is, and accept them with a whole heart, i guess i have no answer. It's the slight insecurity i have about myself. Or my ability to deal with the negative ( i don't refer to the black or the white). Personally, each has it's own effect. Nevertheless, life has to accept them one day. Let it be TODAY,please.


spare me of the confusion, the intermediate, the Grey.

Sour Grapes Theory

What a jackal has taught the humans! The SOUR GRAPES THEORY. All of us would have undergone or will undergo this at least once in life.Also known as adaptive preferences,to sound polished,this attitude is not very uncommon in us.


Now,what is it exactly? Basically, when we want,desire for,or aim at something,we DO believe in getting or achieving it.The probability of the event happening maybe less or more. If it happens, OK, well and good. When it does not happen,there are many ways to take it up. Either as a defeat-sit and cry,or start re-building the fallen pieces or to just try to forget it. It is when we go in for the last choice, the point of ADAPTIVE PREFERENCES creeps in.





Here we will see the 2 sides of this coin. The "chi chi indha pazham pulikum" (this fruit tastes sour") attitude is a kind of escapism that we give ourselves. If we have worked so hard to get it, or dreamed so much about the event happening, how can we degrade our own thoughts and dreams just because we haven't achieved it? Does it mean we've all the way worked for something that's not worth a penny? Is it not a shame to call our dream a "sour grape"? What i try to convey is, by calling it so, we hide behind our negatives and failures and don't think about what should be done about it next. Now this aspect of the theory is bad. It is a pessimistic view.


So, what's the other side of the coin? ADAPTIVE PREFERENCES. It's the same as the SGT except for a tint of positivity.'Yes, I've not achieved this. I've not got it. I've not worked as hard as i should have, or maybe be luck wasn't my side. WHAT IS NEXT?' this question should be the triggering factor. If it's totally gone,Go in for the next alternative, work for it. Changing our preference doesn't mean we are incapable of getting our first priority. We are just switching the options and going in for the next best. Here, we see a shade of optimism. It is this optimism that should and will bring us out of the shell that we crawled into and break the wall that we have built around ourselves.


There can be a wide variety of views and opinions about this topic,but this is how personally it appears and appeals to me.

The game

I'm losing. I know.

I'm still playing,not in the hopes of winning,but because i just want to be a part of the game.

It's unfair to play after losing,i know.I've not lost completely,I'm still losing. I got into it without knowing it's a game.

I don't want to get out of the game. let me keep playing.Trust me,my presence wont affect anyone's chance of winning.I promise.

I know. I AM losing.

Hide And Seek

Across the farthest of lands
Down the nearest of sands
i search slowly
in and out of
the external peace
internal chaos
muffled voices
of a confused heart.
outer serenity
inner hustle
of a troubled mind.

i still search.
a mad rush
a silent hush
bustles out of eternity
an emotional tinge of serendipity.
I look out here and there,
and land up nowhere!

life shows me puzzles,
at times,quite a few.
that's when i realize
I'm hiding me and searching you!

Sigh!

irritated.depressed.confused.unhappy.possessive.
sentimental.immature.silly.helpless.lazy.
frustrated.wronged.hopeless.perplexed.
grumbling.crying.sad.irrational.angry.
pissed off.bored.missing.missed.bugged.
reckless.crazy.doubtful.tough.hurt.insecure.
lost.upset.lonely.out of mood.restless.unthoughtful.
afraid.grieving.illogical.emotional.period

all that I'm now.

sigh.

it was just that!

it was just a short span of time...1.5 hrs?that sounds short when u r with someone whom u like.it's not always that we get to spend time like this,do we?u start something,i reply.i start a topic,u reply.i ask u to talk,u ask me to.finally? it's time up!! i warned u often that we've very less time left.yes,we smiled.we talked.we walked.we laughed.but,was that enough?

time just flies.what did i expect u to talk?what did i want to tell u?i remember nothing.do u think u told me all that u wanted to?i don't know.but sometimes silence speaks lots.just like the other days i've been with you,i found that today too.the silence that wasn't planned.i tried to break it.....with my own silence?sounds silly?not for me!

all that i ask is--why should it end so short?

தேடல்

மண்ணுக்குள்ளே தேடு மணிவைரம் கிடைக்கும்

மனதினுள்ளே தேடு உன் திறமை கிட்டும்

கண்ணுக்குள்ளே தேடு கண்மணி தெரியும்

கனவினுள்ளே தேடு உன் இலக்குப் புரியும்

ஊருக்குள்ளே தேடு உத்தமர் பலர் உளர்

உன்னுள்ளே தேடு உண்மைகள் பல உள

உன் கனவுகளும் இலட்சியங்களும் தகர்க்கப்படும் போது

சிதைவுகளுக்கிடையே தேடு

இடிபாடுகளுக்குள்ளே புதைந்திருக்கும்-ஒரு

பொன்னான வாய்ப்பு உன் கண்ணில் படும்

தேடு...தேடு...

தேடிக்கொண்டே இரு

எல்லா இரவும் விடியும்

உன்னால் எதுவும் முடியும்

into little thoughtfulness..

there are times when few words from some people can bring many changes in you,especially when you are close to them.I've realised i now.it's been a long time since i spent time to think.think without haste-about many things,the people around me,their character,how influential words are,how different people interpret my actions,last but not least-about "ME".

it was unusual i didn't get sleep for quite a long time due to my haunting thoughts.am i misunderstanding others or are they? am i wrong or are they?in an unbiased mood,i realised few things.yes!it's time to change,not for others' sake but for my own good.as my friend says-"don't expect anything in life.expectations hurt.when u don't expect anything,every moment is a surprise and every surprise brings happiness"how true! who am i to expect things from others-mainly close ones?is everyone jobless enough to fulfill my expectations?is it a give and take policy?i don't know.sometimes it hurts,it pains.I'm able to understand their point of view clearly.still it hurts..it pains...to think i have been wrong!don't know how far people may perceive the changes in me.

i am happy being just me-but that's not enough.i just can't trespass others' space.it takes time.and time heals everything.if the subtle changes i am undergoing are going to make me calmer,think better and lessen my sleepless nights-i don't mind them!is this a result of a profound thought?yes,may be.have i become matured?i don't know.this whole thing may sound absurd to you.hurt,calm,depressed,happy,upset,emotional,composed,disturbed,silent,confused,clear-all at the same time...
am in a cluster of thoughts!